My Man Can’t Always Perform in Bed; How Can I Help?

Having sexual performance issues is pretty normal, regardless of age. There are a few pretty common reasons that are easy to address and easy to fix, as well.

Lots of clients ask me if this is because their man doesn’t find them sexy or desirable. While it might make you feel a little less than perfect, it does not mean that he doesn’t love or feel attraction to you. Most guys report that they’d love to have sexual activity with their partners even if they’ve been together for ages. Do not take his performance issues personally! It’s a problem with him, and it’s not about sex with you.

If your man is under 50, it’s more likely that his issues are emotional. Performance anxiety is a thing, and it can create all sorts of sexual issues for men: failure to achieve erection, premature ejaculation, or inability to reach orgasm. See if there are any underlying emotional or mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, that could be the culprit.

Another possibility is that, due to the easy access and proliferation of porn, lots of people have a tendency to overindulge. A healthy “wank life” is great, and porn is often just fine. But if you or your man is overdoing it, has unrealistic expectations of irl sex because of it, or would rather use porn than have sex with a real person (you), then it’s time to have a discussion.

If you’ve determined that porn use in your relationship is still within a healthy area, you may decide to bring back some of the excitement that porn desensitizes for real-life partners. Try making a “date night,” (it could just be the night you have sex) but make one rule: no masturbating for at least 24-48 hours before the time comes. Even taking a couple days’ worth of a “t-break” can help bring the rush and excitement of real sex back.

If the issues are physical or the above ideas don’t work, you can always see a doctor or a sex therapist to try to figure out an underlying cause.

In the meantime, you can still experience intimacy. Spend time together kissing, touching, and just enjoying one another. Toys could be fun (he can use them with you, or watch you using them). His mouth, too (or yours on him), can of course provide a wealth of sexual pleasure for all.

The most important rule of all? In each couple’s sex life, there are no rules. Do whatever feels natural and right. There’s no wrong way to be intimate together — so just enjoy yourselves!

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